Summary of "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life"

Reading the "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" book by Marshall B. Rosenberg was on the top of my list for a while. Google used to conduct courses on it which were highly rated and many friends had recommended the book as well. I finally got to reading this and I am glad I did. Although I don't agree with everything in the book and am not convinced that the approach can be applied as is all the time, I still think that the core ideas are worth heeding and implementing as much as possible. Even just being aware of these ideas can bring a great difference in how we think and communicate. In fact, as I write this summary, I can already see improvement in my quality of conversations! I rate the book highly and one of those which I would like to re-read periodically.

The book explores how peaceful communication can create compassionate connections in personal and professional settings and uses stories and dialogues to provide solutions to communication problems. Guidance is provided on identifying and articulating feelings and needs, expressing anger fully, and exploring the power of empathy in order to speak honestly without creating hostility, break patterns of thinking that lead to anger and depression, and communicate compassionately.

Here is my summary of the sections I found important in the book. I would definitely recommend everyone to read this book.

1. The NVC Process

Four components of NVC:

1. Observation: what are we observing others saying or doing that is affecting us? The trick is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation—to simply say what people are doing that we either like or don’t like.
2. Feeling: we state how we feel when we observe this action: are we hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated, etc.?
3. Needs: we say what needs of ours are connected to the feelings we have identified.
4. Request: what we are wanting from the other person that would enrich our lives.

E.g. a mother might express these three pieces to her teenage son by saying, “Felix, when I see two balls of soiled socks under the coffee table and another three next to the TV, I feel irritated because I am needing more order in the rooms that we share in common.” She would follow immediately with the fourth component—a very specific request: “Would you be willing to put your socks in your room or in the washing machine?” 

Thus, part of NVC is to express these four pieces of information very clearly, whether verbally or by other means. The other aspect of this communication consists of receiving the same four pieces of information from others. We connect with them by first sensing what they are observing, feeling, and needing, and then discover what would enrich their lives by receiving the fourth piece, their request.

It is possible to experience all four pieces of the process without uttering a single word. The essence of NVC is to be found in our consciousness of these four components, not in the actual words that are exchanged.

My summary of NVC:

• What happened?
• How did it make me feel?
• Why did it make me feel that way?
• What could be done to change it?

By going through this process we are able to break the stimuli-response chain.

Author's experience

I was presenting Nonviolent Communication in a mosque at Deheisha Refugee Camp in Bethlehem to about 170 Palestinian Moslem men. Attitudes toward Americans at that time were not favorable. As I was speaking, I suddenly noticed a wave of muffled commotion fluttering through the audience. “They’re whispering that you are American!” my translator alerted me, just as a gentleman in the audience leapt to his feet. Facing me squarely, he hollered at the top of his lungs, “Murderer!” Immediately a dozen other voices joined him in chorus: “Assassin!” “Child-killer!” “Murderer!” Fortunately, I was able to focus my attention on what the man was feeling and needing. In this case, I had some cues. On the way into the refugee camp, I had seen several empty tear gas canisters that had been shot into the camp the night before. Clearly marked on each canister were the words “Made in U.S.A.” I knew that the refugees harbored a lot of anger toward the U.S. for supplying tear gas and other weapons to Israel. I addressed the man who had called me a murderer:

I: Are you angry because you would like my government to use its resources differently? (I didn’t know whether my guess was correct, but what is critical is my sincere effort to connect with his feeling and need.)
He: Damn right I’m angry! You think we need tear gas? We need sewers, not your tear gas! We need housing! We need to have our own country!
I: So you’re furious and would appreciate some support in improving your living conditions and gaining political independence?
He: Do you know what it’s like to live here for twenty seven years the way I have with my family—children and all? Have you got the faintest idea what that’s been like for us?
I: Sounds like you’re feeling very desperate and you’re wondering whether I or anybody else can really understand what it’s like to be living under these conditions. Am I hearing you right?
He: You want to understand? Tell me, do you have children? Do they go to school? Do they have playgrounds? My son is sick! He plays in open sewage! His classroom has no books! Have you seen a school that has no books?
I: I hear how painful it is for you to raise your children here; you’d like me to know that what you want is what all parents want for their children—a good education, opportunity to play and grow in a healthy environment . . .
He: That’s right, the basics! Human rights—isn’t that what you Americans call it? Why don’t more of you come here and see what kind of human rights you’re bringing here!
I: You’d like more Americans to be aware of the enormity of the suffering here and to look more deeply at the consequences of our political actions? 

Our dialogue continued, with him expressing his pain for nearly twenty more minutes, and I listen for the feeling and need behind each statement. I didn’t agree or disagree. I received his words, not as attacks, but as gifts from a fellow human willing to share his soul and deep vulnerabilities with me. Once the gentleman felt understood, he was able to hear me as I explained my purpose for being at the camp. An hour later, the same man who had called me a murderer was inviting me to his home for a Ramadan dinner.

2. Communication That Blocks Compassion

Being compassionate is our natural state. Certain ways of communicating alienate us from it.

Moralistic Judgments

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” - Rumi

• Moralistic judgments that imply wrongness on the part of people who don’t act in harmony with our values. 
• Such judgments are reflected in the language such as, “The problem with you is that you’re too selfish.” “She’s lazy.” “They’re prejudiced.” “It’s inappropriate.” Blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticism, comparisons, and diagnoses are all forms of judgment. 
• When we speak this language, we think and communicate in terms of what’s wrong with others for behaving in certain ways, or occasionally, what’s wrong with ourselves for not understanding or responding as we would like. Our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and not getting. Thus if my partner wants more affection than I’m giving her, she is “needy and dependent.” But if I want more affection than she is giving me, then she is “aloof and insensitive.” 
• It is my belief that all such analyses of other human beings are tragic expressions of our own values and needs. They are tragic because, when we express our values and needs in this form, we increase defensiveness and resistance to them among the very people whose behaviors are of concern to us. Or, if they do agree to act in harmony with our values not because they concur with our analysis of their wrongness, they will likely do so out of fear, guilt, or shame.
• We all pay dearly when people respond to our values and needs, not out of a desire to give from the heart, but out of fear, guilt, or shame. Sooner or later, we will experience the consequences of diminished goodwill on the part of those who comply with our values out of a sense of either external or internal coercion. They, too, pay emotionally, for they are likely to feel resentment and decreased self-esteem when they respond to us out of fear, guilt, or shame. Furthermore, each time others associate us in their minds with any of those feelings, we decrease the likelihood of their responding compassionately to our needs and values in the future.
• It is important here not to confuse value judgments and moralistic judgments. All of us make value judgments as to the qualities we value in life; for example, we might value honesty, freedom, or peace. Value judgments reflect our beliefs of how life can best be served. We make moralistic judgments of people and behaviors that fail to support our value judgments, e.g. “Violence is bad. People who kill others are evil.” Had we been raised speaking a language that facilitated the expression of compassion, we would have learned to articulate our needs and values directly, rather than to insinuate wrongness when they have not been met. For example, instead of “Violence is bad,” we might say instead, “I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means.” 
• A researcher took random samples of pieces of literature from many countries over the world and tabulated the frequency of words that classify and judge people. His study shows a high correlation between the frequent use of such words and incidences of violence. It does not surprise me to hear that there is considerably less violence in cultures where people think in terms of human needs than in cultures where people label one another as “good” or “bad” and believe that the “bad” ones deserve to be punished.
• At the root of much, if not all, violence—whether verbal, psychological, or physical, whether among family members, tribes, or nations—is a kind of thinking that attributes the cause of conflict to wrongness in one’s adversaries, and a corresponding inability to think of oneself or others in terms of vulnerability—what one might be feeling, fearing, yearning for, missing, etc.
• Comparisons are a form of judgment.

Open questions/meta-points

• Aren't there some values that are universal? Wouldn't not valuing them be bad.
• Nikhil mentioned that labeling can be non-violent also if we are aware of the reason behind it. E.g. we might label someone as violent, but if we are aware that they are so because of the situations they went through as a child, we probably would still be kind to them.

Denial Of Responsibility

"The horrors that we have seen, the still greater horrors we shall presently see, are not signs that rebels, insubordinate, untamable men are increasing in number throughout the world, but rather that there is a constant increase in the number of obedient, docile men." - George Bernanos

• We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.
• The lack of responsibility in our language can lead us to cause great violence (physical, mental etc). E.g.
• “I cleaned my room because I had to.” -- results in resentment
• “I hit my child because he ran into the street.” -- blaming on the actions of others
• “I lied to the client because the boss told me to.” -- blaming on the actions of others
• “I started smoking because all my friends did.” -- blaming on the actions of others
• “I hate giving grades. I don’t think they are helpful and they create a lot of anxiety on the part of students. But I have to give grades: it’s the district policy.” vs “I choose to give grades because I want to keep my job.”. This results in much less resentment.

My summary: The core idea here is recognizing that the stimulus is often inside and not outside. E.g. I hit the child because I was angry, not because he ran into the street. Only when we take responsibility for our actions, then can we change them.

Communicating desires as demands

• A demand explicitly or implicitly threatens listeners with blame or punishment if they fail to comply.
• Demand-led actions lead to retaliation.

3. NVC Step 1: Observing Without Evaluating

“The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence.” - Jiddu Krishnamurti

• The first component of NVC entails the separation of observation from evaluation. We need to clearly observe what we are seeing, hearing, or touching that is affecting our sense of well-being, without mixing in any evaluation.
• When we combine observation with evaluation, however, we decrease the likelihood that others will hear our intended message.
• NVC does not mandate that we remain completely objective and refrain from evaluating. It only requires that we maintain a separation between our observations and our evaluations. NVC is a process language that discourages static generalizations; instead, evaluations are to be based on observations specific to time and context.
• For most of us, this objective separation is difficult.

Distinguishing Observations From Evaluations

Author's experience 

During a workshop I was conducting, someone raised a hand and declared, “You’re the most arrogant speaker we’ve ever had!” 

MBR: (guessing at the observations he was making) Are you reacting to my having taken 30 straight minutes to present my views before giving you a chance to talk?
Phil: No, you make it sound so simple.
MBR: (trying to obtain further clarification) Are you reacting to my not having said anything about how the process can be difficult for some people to apply?
Phil: No, not some people—you!
MBR: So you’re reacting to my not having said that the process can be difficult for me at times?
Phil: That’s right.
MBR: Are you feeling annoyed because you would have liked some sign from me that indicated that I have some problems with the process myself?
Phil: (after a moment’s pause) That’s right.
MBR: (More relaxed now that I am in touch with the person’s feeling and need, I direct my attention to what he might be requesting of me) Would you like me to admit right now that this process can be a struggle for me to apply?
Phil: Yes.
MBR: (Having gotten clear on his observation, feeling, need, and request, I check inside myself to see if I am willing to do as he requests) Yes, this process is often difficult for me. As we continue with the workshop, you’ll probably hear me describe several incidents where I’ve struggled . . . or completely lost touch . . . with this process, this consciousness, that I am presenting here to you. But what keeps me in the struggle are the close connections to other people that happen when I do stay with the process.

My summary: Without specific observations, past biases tend to obscure the reality and any downstream actions are then in ignorance.

4. NVC Step 2: Identifying and Expressing Feelings

The Heavy Cost Of Unexpressed Feelings

• Our repertoire of words for calling people names is often larger than our vocabulary of words that allow us to clearly describe our emotional states.
• The difficulty in identifying and expressing feelings is common, and in my experience, especially so among lawyers, engineers, police officers, corporate managers, and career military personnel—people whose professional codes discourage them from manifesting emotions.
• One dissatisfied woman brought her spouse to a workshop, during which she told him, “I feel like I’m married to a wall.” The husband then did an excellent imitation of a wall: he sat mute and immobile. Exasperated, she turned to me and exclaimed, “See! This is what happens all the time. He sits and says nothing. It’s just like living with a wall.” “It sounds to me like you are feeling lonely and wanting more emotional contact with your husband,” I responded. When she agreed, I tried to show how statements such as “I feel like I’m living with a wall” are unlikely to bring her feelings and desires to her husband’s attention. In fact, they are more likely to be heard as criticism than an invitation to connect with our feelings. Furthermore, such statements often lead to self-fulfilling prophecies. A husband, for example, hears himself criticized for behaving like a wall; he is hurt and discouraged and doesn’t respond, thereby confirming his wife’s image of him as a wall.
• Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable by expressing our feelings can help resolve conflicts. 
• NVC distinguishes the expression of actual feelings from words and statements that describe thoughts, assessments, and interpretations.
• A vocabulary of feelings can help in their expression (link).

My summary: Identifying feelings is important as without that it's hard to find what is causing it e.g. what need is being unmet.

5. NVC Step 3: Taking Responsibility For Our Feelings

“People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them.” —Epictetus

Hearing A Negative Message: Four Options

• What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.
• Our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as our particular needs and expectations in that moment.
• Four options of receiving a negative message.
• Blaming ourselves: We accept the other person’s judgment and blame ourselves resulting in guilt, shame, and depression.
• Blaming others: Results in anger.
• Sensing our own feelings and needs: For example, in response to “You’re the most self-centered person I’ve ever met,” we might reply, “When I hear you saying that I am the most self-centered person you’ve ever met, I feel hurt, because I need some recognition of my efforts to be considerate of your preferences.” By focusing attention on our own feelings and needs, we become conscious that our current feeling of hurt derives from a need for our efforts to be recognized.
• Sensing others’ feelings and needs: We might, for example, ask, “Are you feeling hurt because you need more consideration for your preferences?”
• The basic mechanism of motivating by guilt is to attribute the responsibility for one’s own feelings to others. E.g. when parents say, “It hurts Mommy and Daddy when you get poor grades at school”.
• We can deepen our awareness of our own responsibility by using the phrase, “I feel . . . because I . . . ” 

We accept responsibility rather than blame other people for our feelings by acknowledging our own needs, desires, expectations, values, or thoughts. Note the difference between the following expressions of disappointment:

A: “You disappointed me by not coming over last evening.”
B: “I was disappointed when you didn’t come over because I wanted to talk over some things.”
Speaker A attributes responsibility for the disappointment solely to the action of the other person. In B, the feeling of disappointment is traced to the speaker’s own desire that was not being fulfilled. 

Example 2
A: “Their canceling the contract really irritated me!”
B: “When they canceled the contract, I felt really irritated because I was hoping for an opportunity to re-hire the workers we had laid off last year.”

The Needs At The Roots Of Feelings

• Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our needs.
• “You never understand me,” they are really telling us that their need to be understood is not being fulfilled. 
• We are accustomed to thinking about what’s wrong with other people when our needs aren’t being fulfilled. 
• When we express our needs indirectly through the use of evaluations, interpretations, and images, others are likely to hear criticism resulting in self-defense or counterattack.
• If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met.
• List of basic human needs.

From Emotional Slavery To Emotional Liberation

In the course of developing emotional responsibility, most of us experience three stages:

1. “emotional slavery”—believing ourselves responsible for the feelings of others, 
2. “the obnoxious stage”—in which we refuse to admit to caring what anyone else feels or needs, and 
3. “emotional liberation”—in which we accept full responsibility for our own feelings but not the feelings of others while being aware that we can never meet our own needs at the expense of others.

My summary: Blame the need, not the person. This would make you more compassionate towards the person. This also helps avoid the other person to become defensive or counter-attacking and thus results in better reaching a solution.

6. NVC Step 4: Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life

• Use positive language. Express what you want, not what you don't.
• Avoid vague, abstract, or ambiguous phrasing.
• Word the requests in the form of concrete actions that others can undertake.
• Expressing needs concretely can also help the request maker see if their requests are unjustified. E.g. A father wanted his son to be more responsible, but when asked to express this more concretely, it turned out he wanted sleepish obedience which he himself found incorrect.
• People are often depressed when their needs are not being met. The most common reason for their needs being unmet is not that others are failing to meet them but they themselves don't know what they want and hence, don't ask for their needs. 
• Whenever we say something to another person, we are requesting something in return.
• Group meetings often waste time on fruitless discussions. When someone brings up a topic/story, members should ask, "What response are we wanting from the group from this?".
• Requests are received as demands when others believe they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply. When people hear us make a demand, they see only two options: submission or rebellion. Either way, the person requesting is perceived as coercive, and the listener’s capacity to respond compassionately to the request is diminished. Both listener and requester carry this to future relations.
• How to tell if it’s a demand or a request: Observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with. If the response of noncompliance is punishment, judgment or guilt-trap, it's not a request.
• The more we interpret noncompliance as rejection, the more likely our requests will be heard as demands. This leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy, for the more people hear demands, the less they enjoy being around us.
• We can help others trust that we are requesting, not demanding, by indicating that we would only want the person to comply if he or she can do so willingly. Thus we might ask, “Would you be willing to set the table?” rather than “I would like you to set the table.” 
• The most powerful way to communicate that we are making a genuine request is to empathize with people when they don’t respond to the request. Choosing to request rather than demand does not mean we give up when someone says “no” to our request. It does mean that we don’t engage in persuasion until we have empathized with what’s preventing the other person from saying “yes.”
• The NVC process is designed for those of us who would like others to change and respond, but only if they choose to do so willingly and compassionately. This is difficult especially for parents, teachers, managers, and others whose work centers around influencing people and obtaining behavioral results.
• When we occupy positions of authority and are speaking with those who have had past experiences with coercive authority figures, they might perceive our genuine requests as demands as well.
• When making a request, it is also helpful to scan our minds for thoughts of the following sort that automatically transform requests into demands: • He should be cleaning up after himself. • She’s supposed to do what I ask. • I deserve to get a raise. • I’m justified in having them stay later. • I have a right to more time off. When we frame our needs in this way, we are bound to judge others when they don’t do as we request.
• Since the message we send is not always the message that’s received, we need to learn how to find out if our message has been accurately heard. Paraphrasing or asking them to repeat what they heard us say can help.

My summary: By requesting specifically, we can become aware and honest about what we want and it also helps the other person understands what they could do. I spent some moments wondering what's wrong with "He should be cleaning up after himself". My conclusion is that he may not value cleaning. If I value, then I should let them know of my needs.

7. Receiving Empathically

 “Don’t just do something, stand there.” - Buddhist saying.

• Empathy occurs only when we have successfully shed all preconceived ideas and judgments about someone.
• We tend to have a strong urge to give advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling. Empathy, on the other hand, requires focusing full attention on the other person’s message.
• Common behaviors that prevent us from connecting empathically:
• Advising: “I think you should . . . ” “How come you didn’t . . . ?”
• One-upping: “That’s nothing; wait till you hear what happened to ....”
• Consoling: “It wasn’t your fault; you did the best you could.”
• Story-telling: “That reminds me of the time . . . ”
• Shutting down: “Cheer up. Don’t feel so bad.”
• Sympathizing: “Oh, you poor thing . . . ”
• Interrogating: “When did this begin?”
• Explaining: “I would have called but . . . ”
• Correcting: “That’s not how it happened.”
• Believing we have to “fix” situations and make others feel better prevents us from being present.
• Questions such as, “When did this begin?” block the kind of presence that empathy requires. When we are thinking about people’s words, listening to how they connect to our theories, we are looking at people—we are not with them.
• In empathy, we are wholly present with the other party and what they are experiencing. This quality of presence distinguishes empathy from either mental understanding or sympathy. While we may choose at times to sympathize with others by feeling their feelings, it’s helpful to be aware that during the moment we are offering sympathy, we are not empathizing.
• You’ll find people to be less threatening if you hear what they’re needing rather than what they’re thinking about you.
• Time and again I have witnessed people transcending the paralyzing effects of psychological pain when they have sufficient contact with someone who can hear them empathically -- the author has used empathetic listening to cure many patients with acute psychological disorders.

Paraphrasing

• Speakers expressing intensely emotional messages would appreciate our reflecting these back to them. E.g. to "I'm depressed." responding with, "Oh, so you are depressed.".
• Paraphrasing tends to save, rather than waste, time. Studies in labor-management negotiations demonstrate that the time required to reach conflict resolution is cut in half when each negotiator agrees, before responding, to accurately repeat what the previous speaker had said.
• My note: From my past experience, in arguments, repeating what other person said helps. Often, either we don't listen to what they said and here our own story or they might have said something without realizing. Paraphrasing helps clarify things and prevents unnecessary escalations.

Example:

Wife: “You never listen to me.”
Husband: “I do” he replied.
Wife: “No, you don’t,” she countered.

vs

Wife: “You never listen to me.”
Husband: “It sounds like you’re terribly frustrated because you would like to feel more connection when we speak.” 

Sustaining Empathy

• Allow others the opportunity to fully express themselves before turning our attention to solutions or requests for relief. 
• When we proceed too quickly to what people might be requesting, we may not convey our genuine interest in their feelings and needs; instead, they may get the impression that we’re in a hurry to either be free of them or to fix their problem.
• By maintaining our attention on what’s going on within others, we offer them a chance to fully explore and express their interior selves. We would stem this flow if we were to shift attention too quickly either to their request or to our own desire to express ourselves.
• We know the speaker has received adequate empathy when a. we sense a release of tension or b. the flow of words comes to a halt. 
• By listening to what’s going on in ourselves with the same quality of presence and attention that we offer to others, we can provide ourselves with empathy.

My summary: Empathy helps us get in touch with the feelings and needs of the other person. Empathy is being without doing.

8. Connecting Compassionately With Ourselves

"Let us become the change we seek in the world." —Mahatma Gandhi

• When we are internally violent towards ourselves, it is difficult to be genuinely compassionate towards others. Hence, the most crucial application of NVC is in the way we treat ourselves.
• We were not meant to succumb to the dictates of “should” and “have to,” whether they come from outside or inside of ourselves. And if we do yield and submit to these demands, our actions arise from an energy that is devoid of life-giving joy.
• Self-judgments, like all judgments, are tragic expressions of unmet needs. By self judgement, what we are saying is, “I myself am not behaving in harmony with my own needs.”
• NVC mourning: connecting with the feelings and unmet needs stimulated by past actions which we now regret. We see how our behavior ran counter to our own needs and values, and we open ourselves to feelings that arise out of that awareness. 
• When our consciousness is focused on what we need, we are naturally stimulated towards the creative possibilities of how to get that need met. In contrast, the moralistic judgments we use when blaming ourselves tend to obscure such possibilities and to perpetuate a state of self-punishment. 
• NVC self-forgiveness: connecting with the need we were trying to meet when we took the action which we now regret.
• An important aspect of self-compassion is to be able to empathically hold both parts of ourselves—the self that regrets a past action and the self that took the action in the first place. The process of mourning and self-forgiveness free us in the direction of learning and growing. In connecting moment by moment to our needs, we increase our creative capacity to act in harmony with them.

Translating “Have to” To “Choose to”

• Whenever you feel like, "I have to do X " convert it to “I choose to do X because I want Y.” Then,
• if you are not convinced that Y merits the frustration/cost of X, don't do it.
• Otherwise do it wholeheartedly. This way you are empowering yourself and getting to a resolution.
• E.g. "I have to spend so much time driving kids to school every day." vs 
• "I choose to drive kids to school every day because the schools nearby are not good and I really value their education." and then doing it without complaints
• or "I choose to drive kids to school every day because I want to save some money." and then deciding not doing this and hiring someone to do this.
• This helps us identify our true motivators and makes us responsible for them. Have-to puts it on someone else.
• Common motivators: money, the approval of others, fear, shame, guilt or duty.
• The most dangerous of all behaviors is the duty. Because of this, Nazi officers committed so many atrocities without a second thought.

9. Expressing Anger Fully

• Killing, hitting, blaming, hurting others—whether physically or mentally—are all superficial expressions of what is going on within us when we are angry.
• What other people do is never the cause, but a stimulus, of how we feel.
• Cause of anger is judging or blaming the other person for being wrong or deserving of punishment.
• When we are connected to our need, we may have strong feelings, but we are never angry.
• Judgments of others contribute to self-fulfilling prophecies.

Steps to expressing anger

1. Stop: Breathe and refrain from making any move to blame or punish
2. Identify our judgmental thoughts. 
3. Connect with the unmet needs behind these thoughts.
4. Offer empathy if possible: Ask the other person, “Are you feeling . . . ?” to understand their story.
5. Express our feelings and unmet needs.

10. The Protective Use Of Force

• In some situations, we may need to resort to force. For instance, the other party may be unwilling to communicate, or imminent danger may not allow time for communication. 
• NVC requires us to differentiate between the protective and the punitive uses of force. The intention behind the protective use of force is to prevent injury or injustice. The intention behind the punitive use of force is to cause individuals to suffer for their perceived misdeeds.
• When we submit to doing something solely for the purpose of avoiding punishment, our attention is distracted from the value of the action itself.
• Punishment is costly in terms of goodwill. The more we are seen as agents of punishment, the harder it is for others to respond compassionately to our needs.

Corporal punishment in Children

• Children’s fear of corporal punishment may obscure their awareness of the compassion that underlies parental demands.
• On countless occasions, children turn against what might be good for them simply because they choose to fight, rather than succumb, to coercion.
• When parents opt to use force they are we perpetuating a social norm that justifies violence as a means of resolving differences.
• In addition to the physical, other uses of force also qualify as punishment. E.g. labeling the child, withholding of some means of gratification, threatening to withdraw caring or respect.
• Two questions help us see why we are unlikely to get what we want by using punishment to change people’s behavior:
1. What do I want this person to do?
2. What do I want this person’s reasons to be for doing it?
• Punishment and reward interfere with people’s ability to do things motivated by the reasons we’d like them to have. 

My summary: Force (physical, emotional) can at best help in the short term and at worst can have adverse effects in the long term. Force hampers communication.

11. Expressing Appreciation In Nonviolent Communication

• Compliments are often judgments—however positive—of others. E.g. “You are really smart.”
• Modern psychology recommends using positive feedback as a means to influence others. However, the recipients of such praise do change behavior, but only initially. Once they sense the manipulation behind the appreciation, they go back to where they were or become even worse.
• The NVC approach: Express appreciation as a way to celebrate, not to manipulate.
• Saying “thank you” in NVC: “This is what you did; this is what I feel; this is the need of mine that was met.” The order doesn't matter.
• Receving appreciation is done in a similar manner. 
• Usually, appreciation is received from one of two polar positions. At one end is egotism: believing ourselves to be superior because we’ve been appreciated. At the other extreme is false humility, denying the importance of the appreciation by shrugging it off: “Oh, it was nothing.” We could receive appreciation joyfully, in the awareness that God has given everyone the power to enrich the lives of others. If we are aware that it is this power of God working through us that gives us the power to enrich life for others, then we may avoid both the ego trap and the false humility.
• Almost everyone is hungry for appreciation. Even when people are embarrassed, they still want to hear appreciation verbalized.

12. My notes: Open questions/criticism

• The language the book recommends sounds way too formal for a normal conversation. That limits its application. This might have worked for the author as he is a psychologist but I doubt it would work for the rest. E.g. it would be ridiculous to say something like this, "I’d like you to tell me if you would be willing to postpone our meeting for one week." vs "Would you be willing to postpone our meeting for one week?". 
• Also, some NVC dialogues can get too complicated to understand. E.g. “would you be willing to tell me how I could have let you know what I was wanting so that it wouldn’t sound like I was bossing you around?”
• Downsides of empathy: https://www.quora.com/What-are-the-downsides-of-empathy-1 

Thanks for reading this far! If you managed till here, I would strongly recommend you read the book as apart from the theory, the book also has a lot of sample dialogues. Also, if you have any thoughts on the topics above, I would love to hear them. Please feel free to share them below. Lastly, check out the NVC website for the resources.